Ho Hum

Having a flat day, ooops did I say flat I probably mean't FAT day.  I guess its humanly impossible to be perfect all the time, so I am not beating myself up over this.  Every time I hear "MUM" from my kid's mouths I feel like a million bees are buzzing in my head.  I know this really has nothing to do with them, I mean this happens on a daily basis.  Sure I get a little break during school hours, but the rest of the time they seem to make up for their lost time without me.  That word Mum represents such a beautiful gift, a gift of loving and caring for young ones, a gift of always having unconditional love and protection for them, all that oooey goooey lovey doveyness is SO NOT on my radar today.  I cringe with pain when Aaron stares me down, his eyes piercing me like knives.  Hoevering, waiting for his chance to release the word "Mum" from his little blush pink lips.  For the most of today I was polite and very obliging.  "Yes Aaron your belly button was attatched to me when you were born", "Yes Aaron you are going fishing on the weekend with Dad", "No Aaron you can't have the strawberry's right now", "No Aaron you can't hit your sister with that lightsaber", "Yes Aaron the sun is still shining at 7:30pm because its day light savings, "Yes Aaron we will be watching a movie later", "No Aaron your not allowed to jump on the dog like that"  And so on and so forth this is how my afternoon played out, over and over and over and over until I finally cracked.  Oh yeah the I lost it big time.  School holidays is like that and anyone who has ever endured 6 long weeks with their bored children knows what I am talking about.  I know it would be hard working too, so this is not a jab at working Mums at all.  They have their own battle of when they work all day and then come home to that 'concentrated' Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum which the children have bottled up all day.  But I can tell you this, being a stay at home Mum is damm hard work.  I miss the interaction of adults, I miss the feeling like I am contributing to society in some way, I miss the challenges, I miss the pride.  And I feel like because I have stayed home with the kids that a big blank space is filled up on my time line which has very little value to anyone except me, the kids and even Paul.  And still you don't see them patting my back very often congradulating my efforts.  So a chinese meal was just the ticket to numb my frasseled mind.  I did make some clean choices though, starting with vegetable soup, some steamed rice, and more veg!!!!  Go me.  And I enjoyed this very much.  The not having to prepare tonights dinner was definately the plus, and sticking to a diet rich with veggies was easy at the local chinese shop.  Will have to make them a monthly regular trreat me thinks.  Tommorow I am off to the Market to load up on more fruit and veg.  There is something very exiting happening with this shift in diet and that is NO GUILT.  I am just increasing natural food into my diet, making sure most of my nutrition is coming from food which comes straight out of the ground or from a tree.  Lots of soups, lots of fresh salads, and crispy apples.  I won't be hungry, how could I be?  These choices are going to give my body all the micronutrients it needs.  I am fine tuning this way of life everyday and figuring out ways in which I can remain focused and on track.  Making sure I give my system a little holiday each month with a 7 day fast is on my list, and since I just achieved an 8 day fast I have proof now that it can be done.  Also not beating myself up for having a fling.  Ahhhhhh but problems might arrise unless I limit it to lets say one meal per week, that is one cheat meal, a meal I simply MUST have.  I can say that tonight everything I ate was in the safety zone apart from the rice and ummm a few errrr prawn crackers hehehehehehe.  So that was my weekly fling.  I know it sounds like I am making rules up as I go, but thats the whole point, I am!  Just wanting to find a realistic and doable lifestyle change that fits me perfectly.   I am not weighing myself at this stage and I am only going to go on how my clothes fit me.  As for my poor little Azza, he is happily watching a movie with Dad as I write my blog in peace, ahhhhhhh I needed that. 

Walking the plank of shame!

Some how in all my blogging and web page setting up madness I deleted a post.  Oh well let me begin by saying this feels oh so like I am walking the plank of shame.  See today is my 8th day on this juice fast quest.  But Arrrghhhh ye did fail ye challenge of a juice fasting of 60 days, so he who fails shall walk the plank of shame to his death by gruesome shark infested waters.  Ha not so fast stupid head, I think I did quite will even lasting this long to be sure to be sure.  And for some strange reason I should be thankful because if I went any longer who knows how long my crazy pirate shantys would go on for??????  Its plain and simply just too dammed hard to fast for that long with 3 hungry kids and a husband to feed, bills to pay, lifes stresses and what not.  I mean this millionare goes on a juice fast for 60 days because he has no wifey, no kidlets and no real worries apart from his disease of course and being overweight which I can fully empathise with.  But he wasn't there tonight when the weather turned a wintery shade of gray, the seagulls were drooling, the passing pups were drooling at the smell of those god damm onions on the BBQ.  Well people I snapped.  My will power of all will powers just slapped me straight up in the face and said, GIRL EAT A SAUSAGE I AM LEAVING YOU.  So I did.  But you know what I just can't feel guilty because I think setting the bar so high actually got me to achieve my 8 day juice fast.  Perhaps I would not even made day 1 if it was only a week?  Who knows, and who cares I am not a failure for trying thats for sure.  And  it looks like my skin rash has finally healed, so something must have worked.  Perhaps I could go on a juice fast for a week every month and see how that affects my more serious polymyalgia.  It might take a little longer but hey I think its far more do-able and realistic, especially for us Mums.  I don't want to embark on a journey back to me and not actually get there, I want to this really work, I want good health and deserve it.  And I want it to work so that maybe just maybe I can eventually help someone else too.  That would be really good.  So I am glad to make little mistakes along the way because it actually means I am learning.

O.k I am totally not giving up now even though this is really REALLY hard. Did I say hard, oh yeah its hard. I did not anticipate how hard this would be, I know der!!!! This man who juices for 60 days straight has no kids or wife and even if he did I am sorry he is a MAN need I say anymore? I mean I am sure if I could just piss off to America and travel around with a crew of people who are totally independant and can look after themselves, drink juice and chill, well this would be a whole lot easier. Fact is I have 4 people who depend on me for their every meal breakfast, lunch and dinner and sometimes a nice dessert. So here I am sucking it up, putting on a brave face and making them sausage rolls and brownies while I sip away on my green juice. I would really rather be meditating in a quiet corner of my garden but no I am washing dishes and preparing foodie goodness for my loved ones. I no complain. No scrap that I complain. And to make matters worse I just recieved my blood test results which I need regularly due to the polymyalgia and all the meds I am taking. And well I have almost no iron and no D and my sluggish thyroid has decided to spit it too and is down. Way to go thyroid just when I really need you to work, you know since you control my bloody metabolisim and all it would be lovely for a change if you just for once fired up and did something? Wait what was I talking about my husband or my thyroid hehehehehe just kidding hes ok but the thyroid can go JUMP. For a minute there I contemplated chucking it all in (the juice that is LOL). But I realised that this test was done well before I began this juicing challange. I was eating a full diet of meat and veg and fruit and I still ended up anemic? I have found this to be a common thing with me constantly struggling to keep these essential vitamins at reasonable levels. Maybe its because I have Colitis which was previously thought to Coeliacs disease, stupid dumb arse Drs not checking things out properly in the first place. Anyhoo sorry for that little grumpy spat, but thats how its going to be for a while I think due to the detoxing and re-directing of my mind and body towards a healthier way. Perhaps being undiagnosed for so long has left my poor bowel with irriversable scarring which just may be in the area where these vitamins get absorbed? Its all good, I will go back to supplaments again and succumb to the fact that I need to remain on them indefinately. One thing is for sure I am not I repeat NOT chucking it in this time. I know this will be good for me and already I am seeing some slight improvements. A skin condition which has plagued me ever since I got the polymyalgia flared up in September of last year. A patch on my arm has remained unhealed since then. Finally it is healing? Could this juicing theory be right. Could my body be responding to this digestive holiday? I think it could be and I am not going to be the one to stop it from doing all this good work. Hopefully with time I can reverse the bigger stuff too and wean off the prednisone for the first time in 6 long years. Oh to be able to live without painful stiff sore muscles, I can only dream for now............We will see...............

Its been some time since I blogged. This time of year gets a little crazy as we all know. So what is my latest news. Hmmmmm still digging deeper and deeper into my soul and pulling out some interesting discoveries about myself and what it is I want to do with my life. Of course I am definately on a road which is magical and enlightning. Transitioning into a full hard core VEGAN, yep you heard it VEGAN. Watched many thought provocing docos, like earthlings, Meat the Truth, which was incredibly informative. So much new information has been cramed into my brain, so much stuff I had previously been blind too. I am certainly not against anyone eating meat, not a crazy hippi child yet but still a hippi child somewhat..... I just don't think anyone should remain ignorant anymore to these hidden factory farms. I think we all owe it to the world to actually know what goes on, and know what this overconsumption of animal products is doing to our health and our world. I think just being mindful of what we do is important and I am certainly going to make some noise on this subject. I am going to study Nutrition and make it a personal goal to heal my broken body with a vegan lifestyle. I have a 4 year goal to get back to my normal ideal body weight and at the same time gain a qualification so that I can help people and spread the word about what I have learnt. Yes to some this may seem a tad ummm ridiculous or out of my reach. But you just watch me prove them wrong. I feel like I have just tapped into a secret world of answers, a secret which we have all been kept from. Sure we see those vegan hippis all glowing and happy and think they must be smoking some good shit to make them appear that way LOL... No this is NOT the case, they KNOW something us brainwashed milk guzzlers don't know. They have found the closest thing to the fountain of youth. No longer to they suckle from the cows breast for they understand this precious milk is meant for calves, baby calves which grow enormous bodys. Enormous bodys like mine are spilling out of their jeans because of FAT from animals its that simple. Overconsumption is the only reason most of us are not out ideal weight and I am on a mission to change that!

Isn't it funny how life twists and turns. Everything happens for a reason. My latest endevour to get back out into the workforce has been great. My employment coach has enrolled me in a Cert IV in Training and Assesment. Its a 14 week course and one day a week commitment which I know I can handle, plus its local. This is a great little asset to my resume and can give me qualifications to teach at Community centres or TAFE etc. Also I am applying for a volunteer role at my local Community Centre to coach anyone needing to learn basic computor skills. Wow its all happening. Baby steps I say! This will be a great opportunity for me, and while I am studying Nutrition it will build up my confidence and people skills. Life is looking good!

All my life I have swung from vine to vine so to speak. I just love so many different things and have so much passion for learning. But along the way I just haven’t settled on one strong interest. I don’t think I have too, but now it would help me to find something to focus on and give it my all. As a child I loved my pets and boy did I have many, dogs, birds, cats, ducks, turtles anything! I bred budgies, I saved wild animals. I was literally Bindi Irwin. I wanted a career in zoology of course but my VCE score was never high enough for me to get into Uni. So I took a year off to think about things. I received a flyer in the mail from centrelink offering free courses, the only places left were for Horticulture Cert III. I enrolled and from there my career in Nursery’s dominated for the next 8 years. Back to childhood for a minute I forgot to mention my passion for playing piano. I studied this for most of my childhood and then went back off and on over the years. After leaving work to have children I went back for a time and completed my grade 4 examinations which I was quite proud of. Also I dabbled in creative writing for a time and loved that too. I had a moment when I tried to do a diploma in Lab Tech, however I struggled and quit. My most recent attempt was returning to school to do a subsidised Diploma in music. I had to travel to Hawthorn and found this hard. Also with my health it’s been difficult to drive long distances (feet go completely numb due to compression of my connective tissues from the polymyalgia). So yet again I find myself wondering what to do with my life. Thinking, thinking, thinking and searching for a path. There has been one thing that has always fascinated me my whole life and that is Nutrition. Really I mean it, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am most annoying LOL. Always quoting some vitamin deficiency I think they might have or telling them about my latest food find that will help me sleep etc… This got me really asking myself could this be something I could pursue? I am not exactly an expert by any means on nutrition, but I sure would like to be. In trying to figure out how to reverse my unhealthy body I truly believe that nutrition could dig me out of an early grave. Learning about food and how it can heal the human body is going to be my next path to follow, it’s not a science degree LOL but that was definitely reaching too high. Yes it’s another path but what’s wrong with exploring? Nothing, so I am enrolling in and Advanced diploma in nutrition, and will see where it takes me, why not. You only live once! I really had to search deep for this one. I asked myself what do YOU love. Even though my health is not reflective of my beliefs I can learn how to make it better. I have a passion for organic food and herbs and the power of growing your own produce, I have a passion for healing naturally but have been blinded by the medical community. Maybe combining my search for health with a career outcome will finally ground me?

YAY I have two followers hehehehe.. Today I woke up for the first time in my life. I mean literally woke UP! I asked the higher powers to give me an answer, to guide me towards a better life, and boy did they answer. One day going 95% raw vegan and I am literally beaming! I know this is a tad ewwwwww but I have been pooping like MAD. No constipation, no weirdness just straight smooth sailing poop ( and Tonnes of it) HAHAHAHAHA. Believe me I am not at all interested in my poop normally, however this change has been so dramatic I had to share. This is how its meant to be. Do a little experiment. Get two plates. Fill one with potato chips and the the other with iceberg lettuce sprinkled with sea salt. Take a a piece of crunchy lettuce. Next try the potato chip. I am sure you will immediately see why I made you do this. There is something profoundly satisfying about the lettuce. Its crunchy yet juicy and most enjoyable. Potato chips are a guilty pleasure we all indulge in regularly and particularly on special social occasions. We all cannot deny that crunchy sensation in our mouth is something we all seek out, we love it! I am giving you the hot tip, of course we LOVE it, almost all healthy leafy greens and fruits have the natural crunch factor! So next time you grab a handful of chips while you sit down and cosy up to a movie why not try instead a bowl full of crunchy lettuce goodness? Its crazy I know, but seriously it works. The craving for food we normally reach for is NOT the way its meant to be. As a write this down I know I am going to get lots of confused errrrr ummmmm your completely MAD opinions hehehe. I don't care, I am learning about the power of food for the first time in my life! While I wrote this down I enjoyed a delicious plate of lettuce with sea salt and I can tell you I feel great, I feel satisfied and I know its doing me good! I am re-training my mind, I am reverting back to the way we all should eat. I feel like a light has finally switched on. Its truly amazing and I cant wait for my body to respond to all the goodness I am feeding into it. Today I purchased some organic maple syrup, organic cacao, some wonderful Himalayan pink rock salt which contains more than 80 vital minerals... Now I am munching on some Kale chips and am about to whizz up a delicious green chocolaty shake for lunch. Life is getting BETTER!!!